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Nancy Christie: Living on Automatic: Helpful and Not Helpful *NEW
Nancy Christie: Mindfulness Practice: Why the Buzz? *NEW
Nancy Christie: Taking Care of Stress on a Day to Day Basis *NEW
Lisa Walter: Working with Gifted Adults *NEW
Nancy Ross: A Gentle Reminder to be Mindful
Nancy Ross: Oh, My! Those Blooming Relationships
Nancy Ross: Three Wise Words
Oh, My! Those Blooming Relationships
Time’s amazing speed catches us off guard again and again. What will our lives look and feel like without the children to focus on? What will the two of us have created together over the years to fill in the space where children have been claiming almost every moment, awake or asleep? Right now it may feel like forever before we can call our lives our own, but just around the corner is the day when our children will be on their own. What do we expect our life together will look like 10,15, 20 years from now?
Hard to imagine decades with the same person? I used to think the most difficult, rewarding and important job in the world was raising children. But since I became a grandparent, I am looking back and wondering if I want to shift my position on that a little! What if we could keep alive that intimate, passionate relationship we used to have with our spouse?
After the children have gone, all too often we look at each other and find two people who loved each other deeply at one time but no longer know how to talk to each other. What to do?
As an Imago therapist as well as a grandmother, I have some tips to give and share. I can tell you from my experience as both that it’s possible to maintain the intimacy and connection every couple deserves. What it takes is intentionality and mindfulness.
Most of us come unwittingly into our relationship—feeling we pretty well know what being married and having children will be like. We set out to keep our family relationships a loving place for everyone, including the children. But oftentimes, over the years, we forget to talk with each other about what really matters.
So, here we are, two perfectly fine people who fell in love and who seldom talk to each other about life. It makes sense if we have some feelings of disappointment and sadness, and maybe some resentment or discontent.
Seldom have we been taught—or has anyone really talked to any of us—about how to co-create happiness. We all need some help with that. We all deserve a life with a partner that blooms and thrives, not just survives. I really am talking about a Blooming Relationship.
In my mind, keeping the relationship of our dreams from becoming the nightmare of our lives is a huge job. Children grow up and leave home, and then we and our partner have to figure out what to do with the rest of our lives. Probably about 20 years have been spent with the children. The next 20 or more years ahead is a very long time, especially if we are not happy.
Five Aids to a Blooming Relationship
Here are a few suggestions for helping you to keep your relationship precious and healthy throughout your lifetime together, however many years that may be.
- Take 2 or 3 minutes every single day, without fail, to tell each other one thing you appreciate about what your partner said or did in the last 24 hours. Simply say, “I appreciate that you . . .” and tell her or him, always in the positive, never in the negative. If you focus on what your partner has done wrong, you’ll simply set up an opportunity for a fight, or for her or him to withdraw from you. The connection you long for will be broken if you hand out blame, criticism, or judgment. No one can force someone else to hang around and listen to hurtful words being said to them. Negativity will be received by your partner, the person you most want to come close, as blaming and shaming, and push her or him away.
- Always make “I” statements. You’ll make it safe for your partner to come closer if you talk in a welcoming voice about yourself and the effect something has had on you.
- No enemies here! Only two people valiantly trying to do the best they can. Try to see each other as each other’s teacher, healer, and friend. Be open to learn from one another, accepting each other’s differences and sharing in a kind way with each other when you disagree. Both of you are right, even in a disagreement. When you are invested in making the other wrong, you start to blame. To bypass blame, you need more information. So commit to asking for more information: “Please help me understand why you feel the way you do. And let me tell you why I feel the way I do so we can both understand each other’s point of view.”
- In your conversations together, create and then write down the relationship of your dreams. Regularly talk with each other about those dreams. Remember that dreams are a journey in progress. They are co-created. Dreams bring energy, joy, and hope into a relationship. Having a shared dream makes getting up each morning worthwhile.
- Plan romantic surprises and have special, unexpected date nights. Passion, aliveness, laughter, surprises—all these bring connection. A great big unexpected belly laugh produces hormones that will help you relax, feel safer, and keep you in warm, intimate connection. Give yourselves permission to play, be silly, take time out, and have fun together.
Take the first step, now! Don’t wait. You’ll like yourself better when you focus on the positive. And you can choose to make it safe for the two of you to come closer together rather than move further away. At first, the changes will be small, but these tiny changes will grow and bloom, and will eventually blossom into the relationship of your dreams.
— Nancy Ross
Imago Therapist
December 2008
www.bloomingrelationships.com
