Nancy Ross
- Telephone: 416-466-3609
- Email: clo.nancy@sympatico.ca
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Some words about The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and Imago Relationship Therapy
- The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment
by Eckhart Tolle
The following is some of what Tolle has to say about relationships while holding in mind that if you read further, he may actually be saying more than it originally appears, that is quite similar to what Harville Hendrix teaches in Imago Relationship Therapy about love\lust, true love and the meaning of pain in relationships.
Excerpt: from The Power of Now:
Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of presence, all relationships, and particularly intimate relationships, are deeply flawed and ultimately dysfunctional. They may seem perfect for a while, such as when you are "in love" but invariably that apparent perfection gets disrupted as arguments, conflicts, dissatisfaction, and emotional or even physical violence..... It seems that most "love relationships" become love/hate relationships of hostility, or complete withdrawal of affection at the flick of a switch. This is considered normal. The relationship then oscillates for a while, a few months or a few years, between the polarities of "love" and hate, and it gives you as much pleasure as it gives you pain.
(p. 147, Chapter 8 entitled "Enlightened Relationships", from "Power of Love" Section entitled "Love/Hate Relationships")
Nancy's Comments:
What Tolle calls "frequency of presence" is what I would call being mindful, intentional and conscious. Tolle's use of the words "deeply flawed and ultimately dysfunctional" I find to be very harsh. Imago teaches that crisis in a relationship is, in fact, Good News! It is the relationship wanting to heal emotional pain/wounds and deepen the connection, safety and intimacy in the relationship. The "perfect" and "in love" that Tolle writes about is what Imago calls the Romantic Lust/Love stage of the 6 stages in a relationship. That first very exciting period when the newly beloved can do no wrong and the hormones are flowing freely and delightfully. This is lust rather than love because love is a conscious, mindful, and intentional decision and lust is unconscious, exciting, hormone driven and a marvelous feeling that we all want to be sure we recreate in our healthy and mature relationship.
Tolle talks about "apparent perfection". Imago teaches us this is the unconscious positive energetic pull to someone you feel you will be safe and can heal and grow into being the whole soul you originally were and were inevitably separated from, throughout childhood. A kind of "Coming Home". The "arguments, conflicts, ... " that Tolle writes about is when we all inevitably move into the second stage of relationship which is the Power Struggle. This is when the exciting, delightful hormones begin to settle down a bit and we become conscious that there is more to this newly beloved than originally met the emotional eye.
Tolle again, same page:
When a balance between the positive/negative polarities is lost and the negative, destructive cycles occur with increasing frequency and intensity, which tends to happen sooner or later, then it will not be long before the relationship finally collapses.
Nancy says: That is when you need to get to your nearest Imago Relationship Therapist, pronto! It doesn't have to collapse, fold, and melt away. Understanding and listening, keeping each other safe, and learning to be your partner's teacher, healer, and friend can be learned. Healing and growing can happen.
On page 158, still Chapter 8 entitled Enlightened Relationships, Tolle says: "So whenever your relationship is not working, whenever it brings out the "madness" in you and your partner, be glad. What was unconscious is being brought up to the light. It is an opportunity for salvation."
He then talks about, "...know the reality of that moment and hold the knowing." Hendrix talks about increasing consciousness, I talk about being mindful. So much the same, different words. Be mindful that what is happening is the small child feelings and memories that you hold in the very cells of your body are remembering. That is true in that moment for you and it is equally true for your partner. Two 3 year olds going on a road trip, just the 2 of you, expected to be able to read the map, find the motel, choose your food, and drive the car while also keeping it in repair. An impossible job.
Tolle wants that experience to be your "sadhana". He teaches us that this means "spiritual practice." I can understand that and agree. It is easier for me to know that in that very moment of madness, being mindful, or remembering, I can heal, if I allow myself to listen to my partner and let my partner listen to me, so both of us can understand. That knowing and mindful shift to being present to your partner as well as yourself, I find to be powerfully spiritual and out of that flows, for me, a feeling of being one with all that is. The rocks, trees, plants, animals, stars, you, me, we are all one and all longing to bloom and blossom.
Lot's to think about. Enough for now. I may say more later about how I believe Tolle and Hendrix are saying very similar things. In the meantime, you could take a look at Harville Hendrix's book Getting the Love You Want or Receiving Love. Or look again at Eckhart Tolle's book The Power of Now. Such exciting learning and healing. And yes, very spiritual and we are encouraged and taught be become increasingly more mindful, for the sake of the plant in the big picture, and for yourself in the still, quiet, small picture.
